He didn’t want a relationship and neither did I.
“Emotions only lead to pain”, he says.
“Yes, feelings are overrated”, I tell him.
He wasn’t ready and neither was I.
Wait! Do you get ready for feelings though? Is that how they work? Do you prepare yourself to catch feelings? Do you wake up in the morning and decide “ah I must catch feelings today”?
“No talking about the future”, he says while holding my hand.
“Of course not. Let’s enjoy today while it lasts”, I tell him, tracing my fingers on his neck.
But is it possible to live today without thinking about tomorrow? Wouldn’t that be ‘just existing’?
“Emotions only lead to pain”, he repeats himself as if he has noticed I’m starting to get butterflies every time he speaks. Why does he have to look at me in a certain way anyway? His face leaned to the side and his eyes squinted?
“Yes yes. Emotions are un – necessary” I tell him, unconsciously pausing after ‘un’.
Are we even humans if we don’t have feelings and emotions?
And and, if emotions lead to pain, why does he kiss me every time like it’s the last time?
Why does my voice get softer when I only talk to him?
Why does he tell me his secrets?
Why do I tell him that I have trust issues?
Why does he remember the stories I told him about my childhood?
EMOTIONS LEAD TO PAIN!
I register the words in my brain as I rest my head on his chest.
EMOTIONS LEAD TO PAIN!
‘Are you okay?’, he asks me as he prepares to leave.
‘Perfect!’, I answer, but my eyes must have told him I’m lying because he just says, ‘Sure.’
I sense the sarcasm. Yes, I’m definitely going to miss that.
‘We will be okay’, I say but I am not sure who I am trying to convince. Is it myself or him?
In my head I’m praying ‘Tell me we won’t be okay, tell me you have feelings for me.’
‘We will be okay’, he says and the words echo in my heart.
‘I love you!’ For a moment I thought I heard myself saying the words out loud. I only realized I only said it to myself when I saw he didn’t lookup. Because if he heard me he would look up and see me right? Because I would catch him off guard?
Why is he folding his clothes so fast anyway? And, why is he quiet? Is he thinking what I’m thinking?
‘Emotions lead to pain’, he looks up and tells me.
I want to shout ‘I DON’T CARE!’ I’m tired of hearing the same sentence over and over and over again!
But my mouth repeats, ‘Emotions lead to pain.’
He is still looking at me. Why do you look at a person like that if there are no emotions?
‘Do you think you will forget me?’, he asks.
‘I’m sad that you’re leaving’, I reply.
He stops folding his clothes and hugs me. He holds me a little tighter, a little closer to his chest.
I want to tell him ‘Don’t leave’ but what would that make me? A loser? A sucker for love? A true believer in ‘Emotions lead to happiness?’ No, I have no right to tell him that. He is not ready.