I sit here. I am making pieces on paper because the one’s in my heart do not have much hope of being put together.
Someone told me once that, feelings and reality are not always the same thing. But what do you do when both are mixed and jungled up together you can no longer differentiate them?
Sometimes, when things are quiet, I feel at peace. But sometimes, even when humans surround me, I feel the pain crawling out of me. Sometimes, I imagine you waking up beside her and looking at her with eyes filled with love. Sometimes, I imagine you missing me. Sometimes, I think about your silly jokes and laugh out loud. Sometimes, I see you blushing at the way she tilts her head back when she laughs. Sometimes, I catch myself using your words, it reminds me of you and what we will never have. Sometimes, I’m afraid of using that word because as long as I use it, I know I will remember you.
But sometimes, I imagine you happy, she never makes you feel like you’re not enough. Sometimes, I have to believe she is much better than me because sometimes I think of her perfect body, clear brown skin, and kind eyes.
Sometimes, I wonder if we ever could have worked it out. Sometimes, I want to believe she was the problem. But sometimes, I need to remind myself, I was bad for you and you were bad for me and we were never meant to be.