At first, she thought it’s because she believes in second chances; in the idea of timing; that nothing is ever impossible. Then she thought maybe she has become blind with optimism. Nonsense hope. That if only she did this, or she did that, things would finally fall into place. She was clinging to hope with no foundations. She was holding on to the last string of hope until it was too late. Maybe it’s because she thought giving up would be losing and losing isn’t something she can handle well. She wanted to win. She always wanted to win. Her opponent was herself. She set unrealistic expectations for herself and life was tirelessly trying not to let herself down. So, she didn’t want to end it, just so she could prove herself she can make anything, and everything work out. She thought clinging to the edge of the cliff is better than feeling like a failure.
But some things are impossible. Some things just don’t work. Are toxic. Are wrong. She should have known some people don’t bring out the best in her. Sometimes love becomes an excuse. Sometimes love becomes synonymous with fear of being alone. Sometimes love becomes nothing at all, and she should have known, that’s when she should quit. Because she was losing herself to win a game that never existed. Because it wasn’t about losing him, or to him anymore, it was about losing her own soul, and sadly enough, a soul is not something you can win back.